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Some friends lost their son on Sunday night. It was a car accident. He was 23.

I had lost track of these friends. We served in a ministry together back in our single days. They met and married about the same time Vicki and I met and married. They had a son, and watched him grow up. And now he is gone.

Vicki and I also had a child, but we never got to meet. It was a tubal pregnancy, ending in emergency surgery that kept Vicki from bleeding to death. I like to think that the child we lost was a boy, but that is just one of several million mysteries known only to God. Had he lived, he would have been about 23 now. And that is what keeps running through my head. The lost son could have been ours.

I am tempted to contact them with empathetic condolences; to tell them I understand, because I’ve been there, too. But I haven’t been where they are… not exactly. They experienced birthdays and graduations, first steps and last goodbyes. Their story unfolded over years, not hours. I can’t help but compare our situations and wonder: whose pain is greater? Is sadness multiplied by the joy that precedes it, or is the greater loss the longing for what never was?

Another friend lost his mom on Monday. Does the loss of an elderly saint compare to a miscarriage? Just yesterday, we stood with friends and watched their house burn to the ground as flames fed on years of memories. Is pain really minimized by the realization that it’s only stuff?

Comparison may or may not be sin, but scripture says it is unwise (2 Corinthians 10:12). If we allow ourselves to dwell on whose pain is greater, or how our pain is different from the pain of others, we will never experience spiritual healing. If we let ourselves believe that we are the only ones who know exactly how we feel, we will miss the companionship of Christ (who suffered as we do) and of others who have also experienced deep loss.

Our emotional pains are more common than distinct. Small groups of friends who know and love each other can support each other through all kinds of painful experiences. God’s knowledge of us and of our future needs influences his choice of companions for the next leg of our journeys. If we will let him, he can stack our small groups with just the right people who have been there and done that… before us. If we choose community over isolation, we can benefit from their experience, learning how they leaned into or away from God’s grace in the midst of pain… even if it is not exactly like our own.

Boasting “we know how you feel” is seldom helpful. But listening, praying for comfort, and leaning together into the Comforter is the best way we can support each other along a difficult and sometimes painful journey.

When I was a kid, my parents were pretty protective. I was prevented (by mom) from going hunting (with dad) because I could get shot by the evil (and apparently blind) hunters who could not tell a fat kid in a bright orange vest from a squirrel. I was steered into music and away from all things athletic because the “disabled list” was calling my name. I blame this on my brother as much as my parents, since he was always getting hurt in sports. I was on the football field for every home game, but I carried a drum.

The propensity to exchange a potentially harmful practice (hunting and competition) with something safe (reading and music) even extended to my stomach. When I was finally allowed “coffee” my dietary supervisors offered me Postum, a disgusting coffee-colored drink made from some kind of seaweed.  Sure, it had no caffeine, but it also had no taste (although my sensitive palate did pick up a hint of fish poo). It was years before I tasted “real” coffee, and decades before I discovered that the Holy Grail of brewed beverages was guarded by St. Arbucks.

We are protective of our kids, protective of those we love, and protective of ourselves, but this causes us to exchange authentic, deep, and life-changing experiences for “safe” ones, hoping to avoid the possibility of potential pain or inevitable injury. Nowhere is this more apparent than in our propensity to protect ourselves from potential relational injury by remaining “shallow.” If we keep people… literally… “at arms length” we think we are less likely to get hurt. This is probably true. It will also prevent us from experiencing true friendship and the company of friends who can help us on our journey towards Christ-likeness.

Many churches have developed a high value for what my friend Jody calls “Grippin’ and Grinnin’.” We shake hands and smile. We ask “How you doin’?” expecting a one word response (“Fine.”) that requires no further conversation or action. We have discharged our responsibility to be friendly. We have chosen “friendliness” as a safe alternative to the potential dangers of true friendship and community.

We may risk a quick hug with some or even dare to ask about a tough meeting, a troubled kid, or our ultimate concern: test results (either medical or academic). We appear concerned, friendly, welcoming, and engaged, without actually being engaged in a person’s life. That would be dangerous. It would require time. I might have to sacrifice something in order to listen to some loser’s tale of woe.

C.S. Lewis famously said,

“We are half-hearted creatures, fooling about with drink and sex and ambition when infinite joy is offered us, like an ignorant child who wants to go on making mud pies in a slum because he cannot imagine what is meant by the offer of a holiday at the sea. We are far too easily pleased.”

Grippin’ and Grinnin’ is a mud pie in a slum compared with the offer of true community. True community (multiple committed friends in a stable environment) can only develop over time and with trust… both scarce and dangerous commodities. We must sacrifice time to develop trust before we can really know others and be known by them. It will require sacrifice. And a lot of coffee.

We need to change a church culture that encourages shallowness. Practices like formal greetings and short handshakes within worship increase our willingness to settle for the “pseudo-community” of Grippin’ and Grinnin.’  It will be painful to fight our addiction to the familiar, even if it is fake.

If we want to experience the lives we were designed to enjoy, we cannot settle for the imitation. True community is just a few sacrifices away.

On October 15, 2011, some of the most experienced voices in small group ministry gathered in Athens, Alabama, for a morning of strategy and encouragement for small group leaders, ministry directors, and pastors. I’ve uploaded the edited versions of the conference videos. It’s not quite like being there, but hopefully you’ll find some wisdom here to enhance your discipleship ministry.

Participants:

• Bill Willits is the Executive Director of Ministry Environments and one of the founding staff members of North Point Ministries, the parent organization for North Point Community Church in Alpharetta, GA.
• Keith Stanley is The Pastor of Local Disciple-making at The Church at Brook Hills in Birmingham, AL. He is responsible for developing a small group ministry for adults, developing and overseeing all urban ministries in Birmingham through small groups, and implementing principles from David Platt’s Radical.
• Tommy Gray, Lead Pastor, Friendship Church, Athens, AL. Church planter, leadership developer.
• Dave Treat, Discipleship Pastor, Friendship Church, Athens, AL. Leadership developer, trainer, author.

The Videos:

“Creating Community” – http://vimeo.com/30959172 Bill Willits shares some of North Point’s latest learning on discipleship and community in small groups.

“Connecting” – http://vimeo.com/30957939 Bill Willits shares some of North Point’s secrets and strategies for connecting people in small groups.

“Radical Together” – http://vimeo.com/30960671 Keith Stanley shares how the Church at Brook Hills is implementing a truly Radical approach to living and serving in small groups

“Stump the Chumps” –http://vimeo.com/30962059 A series of participant questions on small group ministry was fielded by some of the most experienced group life voices in the Southeast US.

For more information about Group Life South and plans for 2012 and beyond, contact Dave Treat at dtreat@thinkingsmall.net.

What keeps most small groups from experiencing real life change? The breakdown is application: the point where the rubber meets the road.

Act Your Way Into Thinking

The Head culture has conditioned us to want to know all the facts, to consider the ramifications, and to be reasonably assured of the outcome before we begin a course of action. Faith demands that we act in obedience before we understand fully or see certainly.

In his remarkable book “The Forgotten Ways” Alan Hirsch says: ““We must live our truth” (emphasis mine) and “We need to act our way into a new way of thinking.” Based on his years of observation, strong theological foundation, and the illumination of cognitive science, Hirsch points out that for the follower of Christ, behavior often must precede belief.

Small groups provide the encouragement, safety, and accountability required for most people to Just Do It. I had been in a men’s small group that frequently discussed of our need to engage in practical serving opportunities in a soup kitchen or homeless shelter. I knew what was required by scripture and expected by my peers. I just never got around to putting feet to my knowledge. I avoided application until I heard men tearfully describe their experience of serving the homeless and invite me to join them. I decided to just do it. Exposure to the experience changed me in a way that knowledge of the truth never had. I had acted my way into a new way of thinking.

Application is the key to seeing life transformation in groups. Successful application will require us to overcome a contrary culture, expect it to work, value accountability, and ultimately act our way into thinking. It will prevent your group, and your church, from becoming just another Head Shop.

What keeps most small groups from experiencing real life change? The breakdown is application: the point where the rubber meets the road.

Expect People to Change

This is a small but significant point: We don’t expect people to change. John Ortberg tells the story of a curmudgeonly old guy in the church of his youth. Everyone knew this guy was irritable, stubborn, and unpleasant, and had been for years. But… no one expected him to change, and he didn’t. It’s easy for us to look at some individuals and fail to believe that Christ can change their beliefs and behaviors.

If the ultimate purpose of small groups is to effect life-change, to see people continuously morph into Christ-likeness, then they, and we, must believe that they can and will change. This will affect the questions we ask and the accountability we require. If people want to change and are serious about actually changing, we’ll need to get serious about accountability.

Value Accountability

My first real experience with spiritual accountability began when my men’s small group attended a Promise Keepers event. Charles Swindoll challenged us to take seriously the practice of accountability, which he defined as “asking each other today the questions that Jesus will ask us someday.” Examples:

• Have you been with a woman anywhere this past week that might be seen as compromising?
• Have any of your financial dealings lacked integrity?
• Have you exposed yourself to any sexually explicit material?
• Have you spend adequate time in Bible study and prayer?
• Have you just lied to me?

We carried cards in our wallets with a variation of these questions. The last one was the hardest to answer truthfully.

No one has taken accountability more seriously than John Wesley. His “bands” were similar to our small groups in that they were small and met regularly. The similarity may end there, if you look at the steps they took to insure that they went beyond talk to application:

• Do you desire to be told of all your faults, and that plain and home?
• Consider! Do you desire we should tell you whatsoever we think, whatsoever we fear, whatsoever we hear, concerning you?
• Do you desire that in doing this we should come as close as possible, that we should cut to the quick, and search your heart to the bottom?
• Is it your desire and design to be on this and all other occasions entirely open, so as to speak everything that is in your heart, without exception, without disguise, and without reserve?

Compare your group’s “icebreakers” to Wesley’s… to be asked of each band member whenever they met:

• What known sins have you committed since our last meeting?
• What temptations have you met with? How were you delivered?
• What have you thought, said, or done, of which you doubt whether it be sin or not?

Perhaps the ultimate accountability question is from Andy Stanley: “What question are you hoping I won’t ask?”

Imagine the transformational possibilities if we went beyond these hard-hitting but “generic” accountability questions to very specific questions demanding that we actually apply our latest learning to our individual situation? The underlying question that must inform all others is this: How will you live differently because of what you have learned?

A surprising and non-intuitive question is this: What might we learn by living differently?

Next: Act your Way Into Thinking

What keeps most small groups from experiencing real life change? The breakdown is application: the point where the rubber meets the road.

Overcoming the Head Culture
Back in the 60’s a new retail niche called a Head Shop emerged. Amid psychedelic posters, macramé, and incense you could find all the paraphernalia you would need to care for your joints, deal with roaches, and cultivate your grass (so I’ve been told.) In fact, most Head Shops had everything you needed… except the key ingredient.

Excuse this bizarre metaphor, but I believe that many of our churches are glorified Head Shops. We cater to the head… knowledge… and create a culture, an expectant atmosphere, a specialized language, and even paraphernalia… without the key ingredient: application.

I grew up in a religious tradition that functioned as if knowledge alone would transform people. Truly serious believers immersed themselves in the Head culture: Sunday morning teaching of the Word, Sunday school (age graded instruction), Sunday Night and Midweek Service (more teaching). Any gathering… a youth event, choir practice, or deacon’s meeting was invariably marked by a devotional (mini-sermon). Small groups were called “Bible Studies” for good reason. The radio provided a steady stream of world-class bible teachers who systematically added content to our overflowing skulls.

We operated on the premise: “If we just teach people the right things they will change.” If we are going to move past the surface, the first thing we will need to do is change a culture that believes knowledge alone is enough.

The Head culture manifests itself in our small groups in a couple of ways. The first is by forcing us to be curriculum-centric. We often define our groups solely on what they intend to study, and devote the bulk (if not all) of the group meeting to a study. I love Bill Donahue’s line: “Jesus did not command us to go into the world and complete the curriculum” yet we behave as if He did. We insure that all the blanks are filled in without taking sufficient time to ponder how each truth should impact our daily lives.

A second manifestation of the Head culture in groups is that we seek out and recruit believers with teaching gifts as our primary group leaders, and then seem surprised when they lean into their gift and just teach. Even if we train our group leaders to facilitate interactive discussion around application, the teaching gift has been so valued in the past that our leaders tend to default back to the role of teacher. Particularly when under stress or time constraints, our leaders find it a lot easier to simply lecture.

Our first goal, then, is to shift from a knowledge-only delivery model to one in which less content is delivered and more truth is applied. Minimize the value of getting through all 12 discussion questions and maximize the value of getting through two questions designed to change behavior. If you have to, put a post-it note in your Bible with the words: “It’s application, stupid.”

Next: Expecting Change, Requiring Accountability

What keeps most small groups from experiencing real life change? The breakdown is application: the point where the rubber meets the road.

Our churches are filled with smart and isolated people who don’t change. We’ve addressed the isolation issue by getting folks connected to a small group, but they still seem to know about the bible and know what’s required for Christ-likeness… but they still don’t change. The solution is application.

Defining Application
Application often refers to a process of surface treatment… paint, decals, or make-up added to a house, vehicle, or face to dress it up. In our high-tech culture application also refers to a bit of software intended to fulfill a very specific and limited purpose (“There’s an app for that”).

Our definition of application is more like the latter and hopefully not at all like the former. Application is the process of allowing the truths of God’s word to actually influence our thinking and ultimately, to change our behavior in specific and tangible ways. Application is where truth meets life.

Next: Overcoming the Head Culture

There are a lot of similarities between my last home, Chicago, and my new home in Northern Alabama. Chicago has its own music group: Chicago. Alabama has one, too: Alabama. Chicago has its own song: Sweet Home Chicago. Alabama has Sweet Home Alabama.

In Chicago, Wind Chill subtracts from the actual temperature to make it seem even colder. In Alabama the Heat Index adds to the actual temperature to make it seem even hotter. These are similar in that both are designed to make you feel better about how bad you feel. Chicago has snow & cold, but so does Alabama. The difference is that in Chicago it takes 20” or -20° before anyone considers cancelling anything. In Alabama, the possibility of snow forces cancellations.

A funeral procession in Alabama causes traffic to slow down and stop out of respect for the deceased. Chicagoans don’t slow down. Traffic is not moving anyway. You do, however, wonder how the deceased will vote in the next election.

Chicago has deep-dish pizza. Alabama has stuffed baked potatoes as big as your head. In Alabama, “fixin” means “in anticipation of” an event. In Chicago, “fixin” means something was broken. Like an election.

Chicagoans (at least in the suburbs) shop at Wal-Mart. Alabamians shop at The Wal-Mart. Up there, people use shopping carts. Down here it’s a buggy. In Chicago, a parent might say:

“Listen, kids: we’re getting ready to go to Wal-Mart. I want you to stay by the shopping cart and behave or there will be consequences.”

In Alabama:

“Listen, all y’all: We’re fixin’ to go to The Wal-Mart. Stay by the buggy and don’t get to fussin’ or there’s gonna be a whoopin’.”

People love it down here. Unlike Chicago, I have yet to hear a single person whine about living in the Tennessee Valley. Yes, it’s stinking hot, and people with allergies tell me the Indians called this “The Valley of the Sick Head” (which I always thought was in California, and not about allergies). People here love to laugh, love to eat, love their family, and love their friends. Here, if you say “they’re family,” it is the highest compliment you can pay someone who doesn’t share your DNA. I hear it a lot around Friendship Church here in Athens. When they named it “Friendship,” it wasn’t for nothing.

Other than trivial differences, people here are just like people everywhere. The biggest culture shock was that there wasn’t any. It was like hearing Captain Sully on the intercom saying “brace for impact…” and then… nothing.

A lot of folks worry about culture shock when they consider joining small groups. They don’t really know what to expect, but they imagine the worst-case scenario. When I first joined a men’s small group I was anxious about what might happen: learning a secret handshake? Telling my darkest secrets? Stripping to my briefs and beating drums? (I was pretty sure this wouldn’t happen with Methodists, but I wore clean Tidy Whiteys just in case). It wasn’t like that at all. They were guys pretty much like me, facing the same challenges with job, family, and life in general. Soon they were good friends who I could call when I was in over my head, and who called me when my dad died and they knew I was hurting.

When you decide to “brace for impact” and join a small group, you may not find the culture shock you were expecting. You may find a safe place and a warm welcome. Just like I’ve found in Sweet Home Alabama. Take the risk.

Huntsville, Alabama is an interesting place. It was best known as the Watercress Capital of the World until Werner Von Braun and his peers landed there in 1950. They were the original Rocket Boys, and you’ve seen their handiwork. Their Saturn V boosted Apollo into orbit and ultimately got us to the moon.

Huntsville is unique. It’s consistently rated as one of the best places in America to live. It boasts more PhD’s (per capita) than any city in the US. You can’t swing a dead cat (they say) without hitting eight or ten aerospace or bio-tech engineers. You can’t use the phrase “It doesn’t take a rocket scientist…” because in Huntsville, it does. The county surrounding Huntsville also boasts the highest divorce rate in the country. Apparently, brains and marital bliss do not always go together.

Just across I-65 from Huntsville is the small town of Athens. About 20 years ago, a young pastor moved there and took over a small church that averaged about 80 worshipers on a good week. Today they are running 1,000.* They have a great staff, awesome members, and unlimited potential to grow disciples. They want to lean into small groups as a method and strategy, and that’s where the story gets personal.

The pastor called me a couple of months ago and asked if I would be willing to come to Athens to help them disciple people in small groups. “Sure,” I said (with my Yankee accent), “Vicki and I will go wherever God wants us” (knowing in my heart that it wouldn’t be Ala-freaking-bama). Turns out that God’s sense of humor is still intact.  Long story short, Yankee Boy is the new Discipleship Pastor of Friendship United Methodist Church in Athens, Alabama. I start July 1, 2010.

One of the coolest things about Friendship is that it reminds Vicki and me of our early days at Granger Community Church. Small team, big potential, high passion and creativity, and huge reliance on God for “whatever is next.” We wept during worship. We laughed with brand-new friends. We feel at home there. We are humbled that God is letting us be a part of what he is doing there.

A couple of things: I’m moving to Alabama while Vicki stays in Illinois to try and sell our house in one of the worst housing markets in the country. Your prayers would be appreciated. On the positive side… if you know any small group or spiritual formation point leaders, pastors, or directors between Nashville and Birmingham, let me know (dtreat@thinkingsmall.net); I’d love to do some networking. This blog, my consulting and training, and “Thinking Small” will continue, but my primary efforts will be directed at growing disciples at Friendship.

After a brief countdown, the relationship-building, vision casting, and volunteer recruiting starts this morning with a week-long visit to Athens. I guess you could call it a launch. I can’t wait to see what God does.

* (Revised 10/11: This turned out to be incorrect. It was closer to 700).